Rough + Tough Kind of Day

Want to ride the emotional roller coaster with me?  Here we go.  Weeeeee!

My "baby" graduated from kindergarten this morning.  It's a big deal according to society.  I'm not all that sure why.  I mean really.  It's not like this was his first year of school ever (there was preschool) and, unless there are major changes around here, he'll be at that same school for six more years.  This is hardly a graduation.  I've been through the ceremony before with Elizabeth.  The kids sing, I tear up, we go home, it's summertime, we go back for first grade.  I've been reasoning all those things with myself since teachers started sending home Kindergarten Star Day invitations.

That's probably why the kids started to sing and I didn't cry.  I watched Matthew sing and kind of-sort of dance and I smiled.  I was happy.  He was having fun, and I was enjoying it.  Then the teachers pulled out the big guns with "Big, Big Dreams," "This Little Light of Mine," and "Wave Good-bye."  (I have no idea who any of those kids are in those links, but I'm crying as I watch them sing.)  At the ceremony though, tears just streamed down my face and I was able to manage with my three tissues.

Fast forward to the refreshments in Matthew's classroom.  I'm sure my nose and eyes were red, and if I wanted to look at other moms I probably would have seen that their faces were red, too.  But then.  THEN!  Matthew's teacher announced she had a gift for all of us--a CD.  Oh, here it is with the report cards.  Awww.  I bet it's a photo montage to a sweet song and it will make me cry.  Wait.  What's she doing?  Pulling down the screen?  Asking a dad to dim the lights?  Noooooooo!  Not here!  Not now!

At the very first note, I'm gone.  GONE!  I recognize the song immediately because, as the Universe would have it, this CD has been playing in my car stereo for a month at least.  She chose the title track from Tom Petty's "Wildflowers" album.  What now?  That album is nearly 20 years old! Chances are no one else in that room remembers that song or even knew it in the first place, but Matthew said, "It's like in our car!"  Photos of him and his classmates float on and off the screen, guitars play, Tom sings, and Sara's crying like a baby.  The next song was Van Morrison's "These Are the Days."  Well.  You know how that went.  It's happening all over again as I play it on YouTube.  No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't stop.  You know how you laugh at an inappropriate moment and you know you need to stop but you just can't?  That happens to me with crying.  I thoroughly embarrassed myself; I'm sure everyone who saw me rolled their eyes.  It's fine.  I'll only see these people on a regular basis for...the next six years!

I came home, put down my purse, grabbed a tissue and cried one of the ugliest cries I've ever cried.  And I haven't really stopped crying since.  There's a lot swirling around in my head.  I'm going through some big things.  My kids are getting older.  Maybe that's what kindergarten graduation is all about--kids not being babies anymore.  He's my younger child so this is it for us.  No more babies.  I'm okay with that because babies were hard, but I felt that finality today.  On the other end, Elizabeth is going to be in fifth grade next year.  That's only two more years of elementary school.  Oh man.  Wait till you see what happens during the sixth grade photo montage!  She's growing up.  He's growing up.  Then there's the fact that I'm moving on from PTO, which has been a big part of me for four years.  It's a lot to give up and I think today as I placed all the signboards and tablecloths that were hanging around my house back into the PTO closet at the school, I realized (again) that this was it.  This isn't my closet anymore.  I'm no longer part of that group.  I knew that would be the case for a few weeks, but crossing that threshold for the last time wasn't very easy.  Lastly, there are the people who bother me.  They bother me because I let them and I need to not worry about them or what they think or what they say or what they do and just forget them.

So today I will cry and get it all out.  When tomorrow comes, the only thing I need to focus on is having the best.summer.ever.

A New Kind of PR

Because me learning to play the guitar is the most exciting thing going on over here....

It's like my guitar teacher knows me.  You want me to get better by competing with myself?  Want me to set a benchmark and improve on it?  Righty-o!

He said something like this:  When I was teaching primary school students, I couldn't get them to practice guitar so I came up with this exercise of who could make the most chord changes in a minute.  What happened was they practiced loads, had lots of fun, and got really good at their chord changes.  Brilliant!  I love British English.  Is that redundant?  Who cares?  I could listen to him all day.

As you can see, I'm getting a little better every day.  Maybe better isn't the right word.  I am getting faster at my chord changes.  Let's stay in the moment, Sara.

My Airstream Dream

Last night, we were all watching "How It's Made" on the Science Channel, and we learned how Airstreams are made.  It rekindled my obsession with this American icon.  Sometimes I wish I lived in an Airstream.  No.  Not really.  I don't want to have to live in an Airstream, but I would like to own one some day.  I want that pretty bad, actually.  I don't know what it is about those slick, retro chic, aluminum trailers, but I'm in love.  They're so simple and classic.  Hey, kind of like me.  I may be more in love with the lifestyle that the brand represents (like how I'm a fan of Subaru and Eddie Bauer) more than the actual trailers, but so what?  I want to live the life of an Airstream owner!  I want to spend lots of time outdoors in picturesque national parks, hike during the day, get around on my bike, enjoy meals off the grill or campfire, and sleep in peaceful spots with stunning views.  (By the way, if you're ever looking for someone to market to, I'm your woman.)

Though tent camping is completely fine for our family right now and we're looking forward to our trip next month, when the kids leave the nest and it's just Brian and me and we can do what we want and go where we want whenever we want (that's happening someday, right?), we're getting an Airstream trailer...and something to tow it. Brian usually comes up with the big decisions, but I'm not budging on this one.

Next summer we'll celebrate our 15th wedding anniversary.  Like we did at ten years, we're going on a trip (another decision I'm not budging on!), and I have it all planned out.  We'll spend a few days hiking and enjoying the peacefulness of Sequoia National Park and a few relaxing days in Santa Barbara.  I don't know where we'll stay at the park--maybe the lodge or maybe we'll make it more adventurous and camp.  I'm fine either way.  When in Santa Barbara though, we're staying at the Santa Barbara Airstream Autocamp.  For sure.  Apparently, there's a whole lot of stuff I'm not budging on.  It may be too soon to own our Airstream, but we can live the dream for a few days at least in a swanky California beach town.

Here Comes Sara

Two months ago, I excitedly picked up a friend's guitar for the first time and learned how to play a chord.  Then I learned another, and then another.  Spring break came, we went on vacation, and the guitar sat in its little resting place in the corner of our living room for about five weeks (even though we were gone only one).  I knew it was out of tune, and I didn't want to go through the trouble of tuning it.  Tuning it was such a pain.  I also remembered how bad that thing hurt my fingers.  Ugh.  It was just so.much.work.

Well a few days ago I picked it up again, mainly to get out of shampooing another room's carpet.  Ick.  Talk about so.much.work.  Anyway, I tuned the guitar (not so time-consuming when it's not THAT out of tune), did a quick review of my three chords, and watched a new lesson on how to switch between those chords.  I practiced and practiced and practiced switching.  It's still a challenge, but it is getting a little easier.  And it's beginning to really sound like music so right now it seems like less work and more fun!

I'm learning from YouTube videos hosted by a British guitarist who is a talented musician, an engaging teacher, and very, very entertaining.  Learning this way is the polar opposite of how I learned to play the piano.  I'm glad I can play the piano, but learning to play was not fun at all.  My teacher was a grouchy old lady who yelled at me and slammed her hands on the piano when I made mistakes.  I don't respond well to yelling so her behavior only flustered me and caused me to make even more mistakes.  It was a vicious cycle.  I practiced.  Oh, I practiced.  I was terrified of my teacher so I practiced, but there was nothing enjoyable about going to my lessons and playing for her.  She was very technical and precise, and I know that can be important in music, but there should also be a little freedom allowed.  I believe that's called soul.  

I played the piano the way my teacher wanted me to play it--exactly as the music was written.  Well, that was always what I strove for.  If you asked her, I was probably doing it all wrong.  She sent us to competitions in downtown Pittsburgh where we competed with ourselves for good, excellent, or superior ratings.  We'd play before a panel of judges who would critique our performance and score us using a rubric.  Judges!  Rubrics!  Competition days were arguably the most stressful days of my childhood.  And it was soul-sucking music. No wonder I gave it up after eight years and started practically worshiping people who could play for real.

Twenty years later, I'm trying my own hand at music again.  My teacher is on my computer screen, and people probably think this is a dumb way to learn how to play the guitar.  Maybe it is.  But, thankfully, my life does not depend on playing the guitar well.  I'm doing this for no other reason than because I want to.  I'm using a friend's guitar and taking free lessons. No one is slamming their hands on my strings and there's no judging panel.  I'm loving it.  Today during my lesson I was able to put together my three chords and play a song.  A real song!  Not even Row Row Row Your Boat or Mary Had a Little Lamb.  No.  My first guitar song is Dire Straits' Walk of Life. It was unbelievably gratifying to play something recognizable and be able to sing along.  Of course, I had to print out the lyrics because it's not a song I've ever been particularly drawn to but still.  What's more remarkable is that if you gave me the music to play it on the guitar, I probably wouldn't be able to figure it out.  I'm sure that will come; I have faith in my teacher.  But right now I'm learning guitar almost the way I learned how to drive a manual transmission--by feel.  I strum a few A chords in rhythm, then I switch to D, then E, then back to D.  What's next?  A?  No.  That's not right.  Let's try E. Right.  That sounds better. Carry on.  Back to A.  After a few times through, I found myself better able to anticipate when to switch the chord and figure out which chord to switch to.  I wasn't memorizing the sheet music like I did with the piano; I was just playing.  Finally.

I may not have the action or the motion, but with dedication and devotion...yeaaahhhhh the girl can play!