Awkward Conversations

Have you ever had someone in your life with whom it's difficult to have a normal conversation?  Maybe it wasn't always that way.  Maybe things were once fine and natural and smooth, but then there's some sort of incident and from that point on nothing is fine.  Words fall out unnaturally and body language is anything but smooth.  You know life's too short for this and you miss your friend, but things will never be the same.  And it's really a shame because a friendship is lost.

I have this kind of person in my life.  Sometimes we walk past each other without a hello or even a glance.   We hardly see or speak to each other, but when we do it's as though each of us is only half-listening to the other because we're so worried about how we're reacting or what we're going to say next or wondering if there was something we were going to say or ask now that we have this chance.  Actually, I should speak only for myself.  That's what I do.  Then I do start talking and it's like an out-of-body experience.  I'm thinking to myself, What are you saying?  What are you doing?  It's mindless small-talk that means absolutely nothing, but because of the awkwardness I physically cannot make myself stop talking or walk away.  So I keep talking and my mind keeps reprimanding me for it so there's all this chatter going on in my head and out of my mouth, and by the time we part I think to myself, What just happened?  Sometimes I can't recall the conversation for days.  It's all such nonsense.

Then there are times when either bravery overcomes me or I simply feel like that's enough of this and I'm so over it, so I start asking about things that friends ask friends.  I'm not able to listen, though, because a thousand and one things are flying through my head and none are the answers to the questions I just asked.  This is what it's come to, and I don't think there's a fix.  I've tried.  It's just the way it is so nothing to do but live with it as gracefully as I possibly can.