Blank Spaces

Ugh. My stress-free job is becoming stressful.

I've just about gotten used to working nearly every day. However, I'm much more savvy with my choices. I want to fill as many blank spaces on my calendar as possible, and what I've found is that it's best to schedule some easier days every so often in order to stay fresh. That means picking up a half day or a specialist assignment after a few busy days in primary or difficult days in intermediate. Subs obviously aren't and can't be as invested as real teachers, so jobs that offer a fresh start every thirty minutes as opposed to spending an entire day with the same twenty-five kids can be appealing.  I've also been appreciating the convenience of subbing at my own kids' school. I certainly didn't go into this intending to sub there a lot, but it's been working out that way lately.

Keeping the balance of sanity, convenience, and an almost full schedule can be tough, though. I do want to work a lot, but I'm so over taking just anything. Lately I've been declining jobs that aren't singing to me much in the hopes that something better will come along. I've been lucky, and my schedule has been pretty packed.

On a whim two weeks ago, I accepted a job for today at a school that's new to me. I was feeling brave and recognized the need to keep pushing through my comfort zone. Except yesterday afternoon a teacher at our school asked if I was available. I truly wasn't, but her offer was supremely better. Plus, she's my friend. So I canceled the other job, and she put in hers. I felt a little slimy, but I figured today I would be better as a computer teacher, and someone familiar with that other school will probably take over for me there. Things always work out.

However, as the kids and I were leaving the house this morning, our school office called and said a fourth grade teacher just called out. Would I take that job instead of being in the computer lab? "You don't have to. You can say no." So I said no. It was fifteen minutes before school started. I felt extremely unprepared and totally not up for it, so I was honest with her and kind to myself. But I felt bad about it all day.

Because isn't it my job to be flexible? I believe it is. But in my defense, I'm not the kind of sub who wakes up at 4:30 to troll online for last-minute assignments. Most of my weeks are planned out in advance because that's how I operate best. I even like to study the math lessons the night before! Going in there with ten minutes to look over everything would have killed me. I know I would have been in panic mode and completely unable to focus, and the person they did find to sub likely did a better job on the fly. I think I made the right call (At least about this. Canceling the other job and taking this one wasn't right, so this feeling is probably my punishment.), but I still feel like whatever the opposite of a team player is. And I wouldn't feel like this if it had happened at any other school.

Well it's over. Now I need to get over it. As far as I know it all really did work out. I had a good day in the computer lab, and the teacher's aide who subbed in fourth was happy to get sub pay. As for the other school, I have no idea how it went and also no plans to sub there. Ever.

My priorities are in balance. Ten minutes ago I turned down an offer for tomorrow morning. I'm signed up to go on an orchestra field trip with Elizabeth. I'd never cancel on my daughter.