Balance Restored

This isn't Facebook. This blog is real. You know by now that I don't share only the good. There's the bad and the ugly, too. I'm all about the balance.

I don't think I jinxed myself the other day writing about how much I enjoy subbing; I figured I was bound to have a bad day. In fact, I've honestly been waiting for it because I understand and accept that life is filled with highs and lows. Things have been going really well on my assignments, and I knew it would not go well every single day. Today is proof. I had my first subbing low, and frankly I'm relieved to be on the other side of that milestone.

Today wasn't a bad day as much as it was a bad fifteen minutes. And the good news is that it was the very last fifteen minutes of the day. Pack up and clean up is normally the most boisterous and chaotic portion of the day, but this afternoon in first grade it was amplified because a student's behavior specialist showed up right at that moment and I felt as though I was being judged. That only led to embarrassment. I don't know what she thought of me and my abilities, but if I was her I would not have been impressed.

It was ugly. Her kid was falling apart and that set off some other kids who set off some more kids and before long everyone was loud. I wasn't sure we were going to be able to hear the bell. I quieted them long enough to make a few announcements and let them know how disappointed I was in their end-of-the-day behavior but as soon as I stopped talking, they started talking. Loudly. I really just wanted to run away.

But I didn't. And no one got hurt. It was loud, yes, but it was not unsafe. That's what I keep reminding myself. What I'm most upset about is that the behavior specialist saw what she saw and didn't see the rest of our day. And she might tell all her friends I didn't have control of the class. And her friends might think I'm an ineffective sub. And they won't call on me. And, and, and. But maybe she won't. And maybe they won't judge me. That's not up to me. All I know is it happened and I need to move on. It doesn't help to dwell on it. I think of it as a lesson. Though I can't immediately think of any classroom management skills that I learned from this episode, I did learn that I should not worry about what others think of me so much, especially when what they see is 1/28th of a full day in the classroom.